Weight Gain February 8, 2011

Okay, so yes it’s been a really long time since I been on here but my last postings, to refresh my memory as well as yours, were about me feeling confused and frustrated with shopping and such with generally how my new size 2 was a pain. I continued to search for stores that carried professional looking clothing in the size 2 but wasn’t having any luck and plus, as I mentioned before, my tail bone dug into the tub and blah blah blah. So I decided rather than working with it, I’d set out to gain back the weight I’d lost (pre hernia surgery) since that was a good healthy weight and one that allowed for easy shopping, fullness in my face, etc. So I am happy to report that I have since last post gained about 10 lbs. It’s been a mixed bag. All of the above things are much easier (funny how a teeny 10 lbs can do that huh?) but I am really wrestling with my inner voice. That former fat girl voice is raging telling me how fat my thighs are and so on. It’s so crazy because I have to always be bringing myself back to ground zero; reality by counteracting these thoughts. Those folks that says weight loss doesn’t fix everything are SO right. I have lost a ton of weight but still struggle with seeing myself as fat even if you’re not anymore. I’ve been eating with abandon and it’s been nice although I’ve had quite a few tummy aches along the way because of course I’m eating things that don’t agree with the new plumbing but the process has been great. =) Now I am about 122 -ish pounds and a size 4 and looking to stay in this range. My face is fuller which gives a more youthful look (round cheeks anyone?) and my clothes are fitting nicely again with some shape to my breasts, rear end and thighs again. Overall I’m pretty happy with it but trying to always keep in mind that I’m not fat and that I can stop pigging now because otherwise the weight gain will continue in which case we’ll have a problem…..an unwanted problem. Don’t want to undue all the hard work I’ve done. Just thought I’d update you all. Hope your holidays were fantastic and that you are realizing your dreams. Me, I’m taking it 1 day at a time. 😉

Peace and love.

Mandy

Why So Complicated? December 6, 2010

Venting of epic proportions commences:

Today my mind is buzzing like mad about my weight. I have been working on losing weight since 2004 and have steadily chipped away and to date have lost 126 lbs (thanks DS). This may seem like great news and on some page it is. I started in 2004 at 240 and am now 114 lbs. I wear a size 0 at New York & Co. and Old Navy but undercover investigations have shown they lie about their sizes. That said, I am firmly a size 2 in pretty much anything else; jeans included.

Good news? Kinda. For someone who has been heavy, you develop this “be as thin as possible before it all comes back” attitude. However, I want to put a few pounds on. People comment constantly about my weight and how bony I am. So partly I want to gain because of this but also because it is hard to shop at this size. When I was heavier I used to think that if I were thin I would be able to wear anything I wanted and the world of fashion was for thin people. As a heavy person I couldn’t find anything stylish to wear to save my life but now that nearly 80% of the population is overweight or obese there are cute styles in plus sizes everywhere it seems. On the flip side, at a size 2 I struggle. Seems I can’t get away from the problems with clothes. Nakedness for all! JK. I look all over for dress clothes for work and had a terrible time the other day. All the cheap, cute suits were sizes 6 & 8. I could go to petite and found a few there but the length was an issue. The pants and skirts were too short. So needless to say shopping hasn’t been fun like I imagined it to be.

Another major drawback is sex. If this is too much information, change the channel now please. =) When my husband (who thinks I’m too thin as it is) rubs his hands on my body (legs, hips, etc.) I can feel how bony and angular it has become. It makes me feel gross. Baths are crappy because my shoulder blades and spine and tail bone all dig into the bottom of the tub. It is not comfortable and thus not relaxing as it is meant to be.

As you can see I have lost too much or at least I feel this is so. Not to mention how expensive this has been having to overhaul my wardrobe constantly.

Okay so that’s why I think I’m too thin and need to gain some weight; 10 lbs or so maybe 15. That’d put me in a size 6-ish. So I’ve been eating with abandon trying to put on this weight. I am starting to see any increase (about 4 lbs). It may not seem like much but on my frame it’s a small sum. Enough to make my size 2’s feel snug. Which brings me to the whole reason for today’s entry.

I feel fat! WTH? I am so disappointed in myself and can’t believe I feel this way. I am embarrassed to say it. I have been saying I am too thin and I want to put some weight on but I feel gross when I look at myself and now that I’m starting to gain a bit. I am sick of the negative comments from people and the difficulty shopping so why do I feel so gross at only a 4 lb gain? I saw in on the scale and felt sad and worried instead of happy like I should have. I guess deep down I am worried about getting heavy again or something I’m not sure. I know rationally it’s nothing and that I have room to gain and even should but deep down I feel fat. I feel my fat roll hanging over my now snug size 2 and have been tugging at my shirt all day long as it clings to me (at least mentally I feel this clinging). I know it’s really stupid and I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I do. I have to overcome this though so I can get up to a size 6 or so to give me more fashion choices and shut people up and have more fullness in my now hollow and angular face. They say fullness in the face adds youth and hollowness adds years which I believe.

Please don’t misconstrue this entry as a girl who dieted her way to too thin and now has some sort of disorder. Anyone who knows me and sees me daily knows this is not the case. I was happily maintaining at my 130’s weight and felt fine before my hernia surgery but then lost quite a bit with that and a tough recovery and now that I’m lighter it’s like my scared, fat girl wants to stay there when rationally I know it’s not good. There’s that part of me that says just let it play out and when your body adjust a bit to the DS and you have to work a bit harder to maintain like I’ve read about folks having to do you’ll be thankful for the extra room but really I do long for the padding of the 130’s. Clothes fit better and I look more lady like and less like a child/teenager. I had an easier time shopping as this is a commonly found size and people weren’t always saying how thin I look and how “you can never be too thin or too rich but you really need to stop it now” like I did this on purpose. Without spilling my business to folks who don’t need to know it I just let them think what they will but I can’t say it doesn’t bother me. People think I’m starving myself and that pisses me off although I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s my time of the month or something because I feel like emotions are running high and I’m all over the map. Anyhow, I feel cruddy and need to shake it and just wanted to document and share this mix of emotion because people (including me in earlier days) think that weight is the pinnacle to everything and if they could only be thin their life would be tops when this has never been the case for me. I’m a thin person now but still struggling with feelings of self loathing and the fat girl mentality. Venting concludes. Move on. Thanks for listening.

Mandy

WLS Struggles & Triumphs May 25, 2010

Hi folks,

As summer approaches I find myself super duper busy. I keep saying next week will be better and less hairy but that week comes and goes same as the one before. I guess it’s okay though keeps me on the go and out of the kitchen, right? 😉 I’m trying really hard not to schedule my summer weekends away so I can make some “me” time but I see them filling up fast. Do you have any summer plans on tap already? We just bought a boat too so that’ll be fun but another way to eat up the weekends. What do they say, “work hard and play harder”….think I got that in the bag. 😉

As far as weight loss and general health I’ve been struggling with some things. Nothing too terrible but changes that require my attention none the less. Dina has been so kind as to help me figure out ways to deal with the constipation I’ve posted about before and we had that dialog here on the blog so that you all can benefit from it as well. Plus, I’ve really been struggling with what is being suggested to be a niacin flush. For just a few months I’ve been getting these flushes that cause my whole body to turn red and get hot and itchy. They always, always start with tingling in my face and then go down my limbs and so on. The elbows and knees are especially red. I’m really fair so it looks really terrible though I’m mostly concerned about the feeling. They are rather uncomfortable and seem to be getting more frequent. I’ve done some reading on them online after it was suggested that this is what it might be and it does seem to fit the bill. I’ve tried taking my B vitamins apart from each other and with food and still get them. As I said, I’ve been getting them more often; a few times a week at least. I’ve taken B’s for years and never had this happen so I’m confused why it’s started reacting in my body this way and why it seems to be getting worse. I’ve considered stopping my B’s for a time to see if it stops happening. Someone also suggested a time release B which I know with the DS I can’t do so I’m a bit confused on where to go from here. Any suggestions in this area would be welcomed. I plan to also ask my surgeon when I go in for the next appointment which is in June and will be my 6th month.

As mentioned, I’m almost 6 months out and nearly at goal. I’m weighing in the upper 130’s and wish to be about 135 or so. The journey has been somewhat uneventful to which I’m thankful. I’ve done what I was supposed to and the DS has taken on the bulk of the load to get me to where I am. I am forever grateful. I exercise daily and am mindful of carbs & protein and H2O intake. So far, so good. The beginning was rough as I was a revision and much tougher than my Lap-Band recovery but I got through it and followed directions and moving forward with gusto. I do plan to talk with my surgeon though about a bump in my belly when I’m there too that reminded me. Each time I’ve seen him he feels around in there and says looks and feels good but there’s a 2nd belly thing going on and it’s hard so I worry about a hernia though I’m not sure if you can get them this late in the game. Guess we’ll see.

Finally, the last struggle (I know I’m a bit scattered here with my thoughts….sorry) is with the acne. Never in my life have I had acne; not even as a teen. So my face has been breaking out…not super terrible or anything but certainly more than what I’m used to dealing with and I’ve been really struggling with that. I am diligent about washing every night and it helps but still can’t undestand the break outs. Someone suggested zinc a few weeks ago and that didn’t seem to make much of a difference so any suggestions there would be kindly appreciated as well. I know DSFacts.com has some info on there regarding these things so I’ll be scooting over there to be nosy in a bit.

Well I have to get going since I have a meeting soon but wanted to drop you all a line and update you on my world and also to get some feedback if you feel like sharing. Hope you are all having a beautiful day (it’s 88 degrees here). Chat soon.

♥Mandy

Summer is Here May 6, 2010

Hi folks. Been a bit since I been on here but I’ve been spending a great deal of time in the yard. Summer is here and that means winter clean up and plus I have  a bunch of bare spots where I had some well work done last year that now need grass. So I’ve been super busy with trying to get some grass to grow. Plus seems like every weekend is someone’s birthday, wedding, anniversary, etc. This weekend, for example, my mother is coming from up north to have a BBQ at my house to celebrate Mother’s Day and my sister’s birthday is on Sunday as well so we’re going to celebrate at the same time. Then we also have to celebrate with the in-laws for Mother’s Day so basically I’ll be entertaining both days of the weekend. Somewhere in there I have to also work, do laundry, grocery shop, etc. So needless to say….busy, busy days.

As far as my health is going I’ve been doing okay. The weight has pretty much petered out and holding steady which is good news considering I haven’t been the most studious with my dietary choices as of late. I have been dealing with constipation lately though. Perhaps this seems a bit too much information but the reality is that duodenal switch patients have to deal with this so I’m going to be brutally honest here. I apologize if it’s too much. Anyway, I haven’t changed anything really other than I have been not eating quite as well as I usually do but for the most part I have not added any additional vitamins that are known for constipation issues or anything like that so I’m not entirely sure what brought this on all of a sudden. My tummy has been very upset for 4 days now and I’ve taken some Phillips hoping to get some relief and it helped a bit but still not feeling well enough to say normal. I also took a double dose of probiotics before bed because they always seem to help me stay regular and that also helped a bit but still not normal. So the only thing I can think of next is that I must not be getting (a) enough fluids and (b) enough fat. So I plan to have a bacon burger for dinner and sausage for breakfast and get in tons of fluids until the dam breaks! Sorry, haha…that’s a bit much.

It’s always a bit of a challenge for me because I know DS’ers need fat and my brain is so programmed for anti-fat from my diet days pre-weight loss surgery that I have to always be reminding myself that the fat is okay and actually encouraged. I still find myself buying fat free and low fat this and that; no wonder the tummy is having fits and starts. So that’s the latest anyway. I go for 6 month blood work in June and will know where I stand with all that then but for now doing okay aside from the constipation issue. I’ll be in touch soon with more info on the blood work, etc soon. Hope you all enjoy your Mother’s Day (for those who are) and possibly your Memorial Day if I don’t chat before then. Much love.

Mandy

Where Does the Time Go? April 22, 2010

Whew! It’s been forever since I’ve updated you peeps. I just can’t seem to catch my breath.

My husband and I went away for a long weekend a few weeks ago and when we got back on Sunday I immediately had to begin packing for a work trip on Monday.

I was on the trip for work until Friday and had all day meetings that Friday and then had various fundraisers, weddings, birthdays, etc. since then.

Here we are 3 weeks or so later….whew!

So I haven’t been up to much fun lately since I’ve been so busy but I did manage to fit in a musical; my 1st. It was Wicked and it was fantastic. I enjoyed it so much I came home, got on the computer, and bought tickets to CATS in May. Can’t wait.

I’ve been doing pretty good with my weight; haven’t had to try too hard although I have been mindful of what I put in my mouth though if I want something I eat it; just try not to pig out or eat it all the time. I’m down to 140 on my scale and have about 5 more lbs to go before I’m at my goal. I’m still working out at the gym nearly every day so that’s helping I’m sure. I’m really trying to tone my legs. I’m pretty happy with my size but not my tone. I’m what I’ve referred to as “skinny fat” and do not like it at all. So I’m pumping the iron trying to fix it. Work in progress of course.

Well folks just wanted to drop in and say “hey”. What have you been up to lately? I have 1 major thing on my agenda I’ll discuss in a later post when I get more information but I am struggling with the mood swings and depression which is common after Duodenal Switch weight loss surgery so I want to discuss it with my surgeon and try to figure out something to take; Zoloft, perhaps? What do you use/if anything to help regulate your moods or did it just kind of pass after time?

Much love ya’all. Chat later.

Mandy

Famous Fat Suit Experiment March 3, 2010

I was watching television the other day and they were talking about the experiment that Vanessa Minillo did where she got into a fat suit for the day and went around town asking for directions and taping people’s reactions to her. For example, she went into a few stores and the clerks didn’t even act like they saw her there let alone ask if she needed any help. Then to top it off, after she left the store, the clerks were taped making fun of her and openly talking about her weight and blowing up their cheeks and opening their arms to poke fun at her size. The fat suit I believe made her something like 350 lbs or so. They taped people’s reactions to her crossing the street and how people just blew right by her and even shoved her out of the way with their shoulders at a few points. She tried to stop a few people to ask for directions but they blew her off even then.

w all that, she took the suit off and went back to her 120 lbs frame and did all the same things over again to see the difference in how she was treated. It was amazing!! People stopped, looked her in the eyes and gave her full directions. The sales clerks were helpful and immediately approached her as she walked into the store. Gentlemen were holding the door for her and so on. Vanessa gave her reflections on the experiment and actually cried because she said she never understood how difficult it was to live in a world who has such prejudice against obese folks.

I watched this a few days ago but it’s been sticking in my mind. I don’t know why it’s sticking with me but my heart just breaks. Breaks for folks that have to be treated this way, breaks for the way our society is and how lacking in compassion we are and also for the fate of the folks who treated her this way; the way these folks probably treat overweight folks every single day and it breaks for all of those people. Even at my heaviest I was not quite that heavy but I was heavy enough to experience some of this although not on that scale. What a sad, sad thing.

My hope is that the experience for Vanessa will help her to see the difficulties these folks face and perhaps to remember it the next time she is asked for directions by an overweight person. I hope she cares enough to stop and give this person her attention as a human being. I think folks who have always been thin can be nonchalant about it because they don’t know what it’s like so hopefully this helps give her perspective. Also, since she’s famous, hopefully the exposure of this little experiment opens the eyes of some people who might be acting in this way. Have you seen this on television? What did you think of it?

Mandy

Greek Yogurt+Blueberries+Nut Clusters=Breakfast February 22, 2010

Love Greek Yogurt but it has a way of getting boring so today I put a few peanut clusters and blueberries in it. Here’s what I used and it was yum!

Fage Greek Yogurt

Then added blueberries

Then added the nut clusters. 7 of them have 14g of carbs but I only use 2 or 3. Break em’ up small.

This was breakfast today. Filling and a good mix of carbs & protein. What are you eating today?

Oh How I Love Thee Thin Mints February 18, 2010

WHY O WHY do I order these? Every single time I’ve ever ordered Girl Scout cookies in the past I’ve over dosed on them. I love them! They are a vice for me. I used to order a few boxes of the Tagalongs and eat them in a single sitting; at least 1 box anyway. I’d give the Thin Mints to my hubby.

This time, after surgery, I thought I’d be smart. I’d order something I liked but didn’t love and therefore I’d be less likely to over indulge. Right….right? Not.

I got these today and have eaten 1/2 a sleeve already. Yes, this is not as bad as pre-surgery but it is still bad enough. I feel cruddy that I’ve lost control, physically drained from the sugar up and downs and my tummy is gurgling and churning. I plan to take them home and feed the other 1/2 of the sleeve to hubby and freeze the last sleeve (I only bought 1 box thank heavens!). Then there’s a box of Peanut Butter sandwich cookies to pawn off.

I always feel like I have to order from these folks so I did good by ordering just 2 boxes and not buying things I absolutely love but for some reason the Thin Mints seem to be hitting the spot. This is the first time I’ve eaten any amount of sugar since surgery. I had a candy bar the other day; 1/2 one day and the other 1/2 a day later but nothing like this Thin Mint extravaganza. Anyway, I just wondered why I can’t just get over the guilt and not buy these things since I know I love their cookies so much. Then again, I should just forgive myself and move on since I am only human and not every indulgence has to turn into a binge….reminder to self……not every indulgence has to turn into a binge. Back in the day, it’d be ON right about now! Cold Stone and all! Ha!

Hope you are all having a fantastic day and looking forward to your weekend. I’m going to take in a movie at a small, old time theatre and watch “A Single Man” (love Colin Firth) and then head to this small cafe that I adore. They make the best 3 cheese grilled cheese with basil and marinated tomatoes and also this PB & J with Mascarpone cheese….mmmmmmm…..so good! I’m traveling 2 hours to do this so I must love it, ey? 😉

P.S. The worse thing about this slip up is I feel the carb cravings bubbling. That needs to be nipped in the butt for sure! That’s why I hate sugar! It’s so bad for me; I’m so sensitive to it.

Much love,

Mandy

Weight Loss Surgery Solves Life's Problems? February 13, 2010

“If only I could lose the weight my life would fall into place!” Have you ever said that? I know I sure have. I’ve heard many others say it as well. They feel as if their weight is the reason they don’t have a man, a better paying job (or 1 at all), friends, etc.

Well, I’m here to tell you, it’s not that simple. I’ve lost nearly all my excess weight and I am still so fraught with problems that make me miserable it’s crazy. So much for the weight issue solving everything. This is the second time even that I have lost weight (with the Lap Band in 2007) and even then I was still just as stressed about life.

I won’t turn this into a bitch session but I will say I’m stressed about bills. I’ve lost a large chunk of my income which is making things tough and my bills have been out of control. Not things I’m going and buying but like my Consumer’s bill was $400 more this month. That kind of increase causes a person to have to adjust other things in the budget; it’s like Dominos inside my budget. Everything affects everything.

On top of that, I put myself out in every possible way to develop professionally, network, get educated (finishing up a masters in education) and can’t seem to get a break to advance and make more money. I’m almost done with my masters degree and worry about my student loans kicking in when I’m not making enough money to take on the payments. So I wonder, “do I keep going to school to keep my loans from going into repayment with hopes of making more money later?” or “do I just call it good, sell some stuff and stroke the payment?”

The situation is frustrating because I feel like I’m trying and trying in every way possible (I work a full-time and part-time job, go to school full-time for 6 years now and work on this blog as well plus I live an hr away from work so I have tons of road time) and I don’t seem to be reaping any of the benefits for my hard work yet. I’m trying to stay positive but after all these years I must be honest when I say I’m worn thin and very tired.

Anyway, the point of my long, wimpering post is to say that if you think solving your weight issues will make your life peachy I truly hope that’s correct but in my experience it is not the case. It will improve your health though which is important. Hopefully it’ll add years to your life; years you can spend stressing over all the screwed up things in it. 🙂

~Mandy

Chicken & Cheese Nachos February 10, 2010

We had crock pot chicken last night for dinner and had a few breasts left over. We got a major snow storm last night so my employer called a snow day today. Woot! Woot! So, since I was home, I decided to make some chicken and cheese nachos for lunch. I threw some salted tomatoes on top along with sour cream and some green salsa. Yum! What are you eating?

Not the prettiest picture, I know, but you get it. 🙂

No, I didn’t end up eating them all! No where near actually. Love the DS!